Saturday, December 27, 2008

See, they can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out.

I know. You can't believe it. Another update? How is this possible, Vanq, you sexy beast?

Yeah, I can read minds, too, reader. (Even through computer screens.) It seems impossible that I'd actually write another update amidst all the traveling/packing/beating off/more traveling that I've been doing, yet here it is. How do I do it?

Simple: outsourcing.

I've outsourced my blog-writing to teenagers in China, who are being paid 15 FPPs/hr to write all of this material for me. You know how people say, "If you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with typewriters, they'd eventually produce the script for No Country for Old Men"? Well, that's exactly what my Chineenagers (See what I did?) are doing right now. (Chang, quit fuckin' around and write! I know you're texting your girlfriend, and you know I told you not to do that during work hours.) Ah, who am I kidding? Chang doesn't have a girlfriend. He's not even real. I made him up.

Now that the blog is rollin', it's time to get that other thing on course too. You know, life? On a side note (up your ass), it's really tilting when I hear some moronic 16-year old girl with dyed hair talking with her dumbass friend about how "[her] life is so complicated right now." Come on, bitch. You and I know both know that you aren't really a human being, but rather a figment of my imagination. Start acting like it.

Fuckin' skanks.

Anyways, I switched up some courses I'll be taking starting in January between unpacking and repacking suitcases. I decided to veer away from some courses required for my business degree and look for some pseudoscientific/liberal arts courses to wave my dick at. I ran into philosophy and Russian literature. I'll give those a shot and then figure if I want to stay in them for the semester or just fuck off in my ass until summer hits.

I've been scourging for advice as to what to do this summer, (hint, hint, reader) as I think I'm gonna stay away from working a full-time job/internship and hopefully get poker going to a reasonable degree, so I can have more free time to do baller shit. I was considering either saving up to go traveling in Europe for a while (Germany, I want to put my phallus in your vagine.), or saving for a car and maybe doing the live circuit thing for a bit. (I'm just so much better at live poker than online, it's not even fair.) Germany sounds really promising, as do the Scandinavian countries and Holland. Anyone with traveling experience, gimme a shout. I'm interested in hearing what you've got to say about the whole thing.

It looks like a long month of January coming up poker-wise, as I've played almost no hands in December. (Gotta get 188 more VPPs to get to SilverStar!) Whatever, though, poker is easy. I hear the final boss (???) can be a bitch, though. I'm gonna try to get into making some videos as well, so if you wanna get at me, tell your label to contact me. I ask $400 for a feature. Wanna battle? I'll beat ya. I'm a beast. I'm a creature.

I've got a bottle of Ketel One to enjoy, and I think I'm going to get real drunk tonight, so I can have a sicko hangover on the bus ride to Boston tomorrow. I'm also going to make some magic Gatorade for the bus ride, because it's usually intolerable. Fucking Greyhound. No wonder people kill each other while on their buses. Oops, too soon.

Anyways, I'll kill all of you later.

Get money, get paid.

The next update is coming fuck-knows-when, so... You know, keep it close.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I can pass words with the ability to hurt you: Patience is a virtue and knowledge is a commercial.

I was wading through every single blog whose link I came across and came to a conclusion (and came to a porno of two girls fucking a guy dressed as Tarzan):

Everyone is retarded.

Introduce a little creativity to your blogs, for heaven's sake. It's the same thing over and over again with you all. Let me give you a sample of a blog post that I ran into just recently. (It actually singed my pubes, it was so lame.)

-Hey, sorry for not updating! I was just so busy caught up in all the Thanksgiving madness. Can you believe that I ate three pounds of turkey? That's almost more than my cousin Dennis. He eats a lot. I like stuffing. Dogs are also cute. I also played two hours of poker with Sally and Tasha, my twin cousins who are joined at the face. They were very bad at poker! I ran really bad though (KK lost to QT!). I was over $33.98 under EV. Also, I don't like that there's no rakeback in live poker. I like money. I also like when I have money. There are some things I don't like though, like splinters. They hurt. I don't like pain at all because it hurts, too. Also I don't like coachroaches in McDonalds. Anyways, I gotta run to watch my TIVOed episode of Thunderland Hills before bedtime. If you haven't seen it, it's a great show about neoskaters in the suburbs, and their struggle. I can really relate to it. I hope you all have a great week and win with AA ten times for stacks! I can't wait until the next time I update this awful excuse for a blog! Bye everyone :) :) :)!!!

For fuck's sake. I know, I know, blogs are more for the writer than the reader, blah blah, look both ways before you cross the road, blah blah, don't eat dirt, blah blah, but seriously? This is what you're making a blog for? Be creative for once, and you'll gain a completely new perspective on writing, and how interesting it becomes when people can actually differentiate your blog from everyone else's. Anyways, I write all of my stuff to give worthless advice and make people laugh (Or at least pretend to laugh. You know who you fake individuals are.). That's why my anecdotes never make sense, and I never actually include any accurate information about my poker playing: it's to try to be original. I don't think it's really working, though.

Anyways, let me update you spiteful bastards on my own shit:

I'm staying in Ontario now, playing some hockey, drinking some beer, and freezing my big black dick off. It should never be this cold anywhere. (Can't wait for global warming to kick in.) I have played almost no poker, partially because poker is rigged, and partially because I don't have my monitor and have friends to hang out with most of the time. (I know you don't give a fuck about any of this, but I gotta type something to make my posts look longer.) Also, the other day I took a shit, then wiped, then looked into the toilet and it was green. You know the rule, "If it's green, get it seen?" Yeah, going to hit the doctor's once I get back to Montreal. (Thanks for the free healthcare, Canada.)

Yeah, this post fucking sucks, but I really can't think of too much funny shit on an empty stomach and want to support the illusion that I'm actually hardxcore committed to this blog. (Spellcheck didn't underline hardxcore as a misspelled word, what the fuck?) Hopefully in my next update, I'll have something to say about girls who smell in the vaginal region or how it's ridiculous that some people stand up to wipe after they defecate.

Thug life,

Vanq (The God)

Oh, PS: I just realized I didn't have spellcheck on. For a second there I thought hardxcore must be a real word or something.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Other important quantum aspects are related to correlations of photon statistics between different beams.

So I get off stage right and drop the mic
Walk up to the hot chicks and I'm all like
"Sup ladies, my name's Slim Shady.
I'm the lead singer in D12 baby"
They're all like "Oh my God, it's him."
"Becky, oh my fucking God it's Eminem!"
"I swear to fucking God, dude, you fucking rock"
"Please, Marshall, please let me suck your cock!"

The above excerpt from A Tale of Two Cities (Charles Dickens - 1859) accurately describes what my life has been like since my last update. I know I've made you wait a long time for this update, reader, and I bet you were even wondering if I had given up on this blog altogether. WELL, FUCK YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL, FAITHLESS SON OF A... (Vanq, we talked about this. You have to control your tilt or you know what will happen.) Oh, right. :( Thanks, conscience. (Too soon?) You kinda ruined my day. Let me get back to the reader, now? (Sure thing, buddy.)

And so I'm back, from outer space. Since I've been gone I've played a lot of poker, completed a lot of schoolwork, had a lot of ridiculous drinking experiences, and got a girl pregnant. When she told me, I immediately ran home and played 10k hands of 2/4 and lost my roll. Then I lived in busto-ville for a while, and I'm now back playing .25/.50 like a homeless person (I'm serious, I was watching these homeless people outside the Metro station playing 50nl 6max, but the train came before the waiting list cleared.). So, now, I'm playing busto stakes full ring and heads-up, but the truth is: I couldn't be happier. Oh wait, yes I could. This fucking blows. I guess I'll have to man up and grind it out like everyone else seems to be doing.

Now that I've updated you on my poker playing, I want to bring up an issue that has been bothering me for some time. Truthishly, (if you get that reference, I will send you $1 on Stars) I have no idea what I want to pursue when I'm done with school, and that shit bugs incessantly. All my friends seem to have a clear vision of exactly what they enjoy doing, but I honestly have no idea what I like. (You know, besides poker, writing, and unprotected sex.) Let me bless you with some examples:

(The names of people have been changed to protect the innocent):

Darren: So, you pick a major yet, VanqTheGod?
VanqTheGod: No, you bastard, we just talked about this yesterday. You told me you were doing a PoliSci major with a minor in French.
Darren: Oh, that's right. Because I know what I want to do in school and you don't, I am much smarter than you and better than you at life altogether. I hope you die in a snake pit, you fucking prick.
VanqTheGod: :(

VanqTheGod: Hi Josephine, how are you doing on this crisp winter afternoon?
Josephine: Oh, just wonderful, VanqTheGod. I was just thinking about how I am so happy about the fact that I'm 100% sure that I want to be an anthropology major with a minor in pseudolinguisticmasoschism. I can't wait to update my Facebook status with this important information.
VanqTheGod: Well good for you. I hope you enjoy your life as an expert in two irrelevant fields. In fact, I'm pretty sure your minor isn't even real.
Josephine: It is too, I read all about it in the 600 page university handbook that everyone got at the Mensa meeting in 1997.
VanqTheGod: *facepalm* Okay, so can I get some head?
Josephine: No!
VanqTheGod: Why?

Now, reader, you too can see my frustration. I'll be accepting all advice on this pertinent issue, you know how to holla at me! (Sorry, today is "Pretend to be Black Day" in Canada.) I will try to update before Friday, when I leave for Ontario for a week. If I don't, I'm pretty sure you're pretty used to waiting forever for my updates anyway, am I right?

I'm going to get back to reading my book now (It's a self-improvement book about how to get in touch with your spiritual side. It involves a lot of masturbation.).



Tuesday, July 8, 2008

To face what we are in the end, we stand before the light, and our true nature is revealed. Self-revelation is annihilation of self.

We're all familiar with the saying "Rick James in the veins, real niggas never change." Nevertheless, I find it chiefly important to adapt, upgrade, and reconfigure our perspectives, goals, and philosophies in life. I'm at one of those points in my poker career, and I feel it's important to mention, since readers of my blog deserve to get news about things like this in an orderly, and up-to-date fashion (I'm in discussion with ESPN about having PTI do a segment on me bi-weekly). I've decided to withdraw my entire bankroll and try to recreate Chris Ferguson's $0 to $10,000 in one year challenge. The special exception I'm making in my case, is that I have to play with a piece of tape covering my cards so I can't see them. I hope that you will all follow my progress. I've set up a special live feed on my pursuit of glory on Wait, what's that? The link doesn't work? Oh yeah, that's because I'm leveling you, suckaz (wave good bye to the serious tone of this blog post). I'm not doing something that outrageous. I'm just moving to heads-up cash games because I've got the support and motivation to do so at the moment. (And I've been running like a Pentium II at full ring.) It'll be a pretty drastic and, at times, painful move, but fuck it, I'm a thug. I can handle it. Anyways, if anyone wants to talk about the move, or whatever poker related, PM me, IM me, give me a blowjob with a mouthful of beer, etc..

On another note, I've made a conclusion about socializing with people you don't know. Seriously, try this, and you'll see immediate results. The next time you find yourself in a conversation with someone you've never spoken with before (teller at your bank, librarian, fireman, Pokemon trainer, whomever), use the phrase "AIDS epidemic." It lets people know that you are concerned with the state of society in Africa, and that you are overall, a well-rounded, educated individual. In more structured and formal settings, "pubic plague" will work just as well. This technique can also be used for college essays, and other written presentations (PowerPoints, e-mails), so long as the phrase is bolded, and at least one font size larger than the other words that surround it. No need to thank me, just payin' it forward.

Sorry to cut this post short, but expect to see more updates soon. I know I have not been on my A-game in terms of posting frequency, but I don't want to overload you with a bukkakke* (do you see what I did there?) of wit and brilliance while you are yet so new to my writing.

* ROFL: Spell-check underlined bukkakke as a misspelled word and suggested "Hanukkah" as an alternative**.

** On second thought, I guess Hanukkah would work almost as well.


Sunday, June 29, 2008

When that ace came off on fourth street, he played with his chips.

Let's take a second to talk about tiny lil' azn girls in porn. You know when they sneeze and they get mucus all over the elephant's penis, and then the necromancer comes out and casts Unmerciful Bloodlust on your entire party? And then your video card overheats and your roommate comes in and tells you about his blog and asks you to crosslink him, and you're sighboxin' everywhere and wondering why no one has posted any comments on your recently posted Facebook album? Yeah, me neither.


Meh, I never was very good at mad libs (Shoulda picked watermelon instead of necromancer, ldo, what was I thinking?....). Anyways, short update: poker-wise, June sucked so hard that my computer chair got stuck up my ass. Even so, still a pretty solid month and a lot of knowledge acquired. Perhaps I will finally level up and be able to teleport to and from Quizno's. Life-wise, the weather has been shitty, but overall, everything seems to be okay. I'm probably gonna buy some new shit since I withdrew some monetary funds from Stars a week or so ago. Maybe I'll buy an Ovechkin jersey like I've always wanted.

I've decided that this blog is not personal enough. So, next update, I'm gonna post pictures of me from eight different angles, and I'll put up home videos of me and my friends.

Oh wait, no I'm not, fuckers. Why would I do that?

Yeah, that's right, reader, take that verbal abuse.

Anyways, I'll update this week with some baller-ass anecdotes and maybe some other shit like some replayed hands. Pop me with some feedback to let me know what you want to see.

That's a little ghetto gospel for you.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

"It is said that once an entire army marched against him. A real army."

Brag: The iPod I ordered from the PokerStars VIP store is finally here after a little over four weeks.

Beat: I didn't realize that I got a terrible FPP conversion rate on it.

Brag: Celtics won the NBA championship. Ship ship ship. (Ship.)

Brag: Russia into the quarters of Euro 08 over Sweden.

Beat: When I went to piss, my dick flipped up and hit me across the face and loosened a tooth.

Beat: I still don't have a million dollars.

Variance: I run multiple thousands of dollars below equity at flips lifetime.

Variance: I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch.

Other news:

Today I was sitting on a train and looking out the window. Shit was baller, I almost saw a blue car. Then the tides turned imo, and the train went underground, so I couldn't look at anything outside of the train when looking out of the window; I could only see the reflection of other shit inside the train. And so I saw this fat woman with a kid. I was like LOL bitch where'd you steal that kid, it's obv. not your kid, no one would fuck you. Except I didn't say to her, I said it to her reflection, so she didn't react. After this, the conductor (I generally refer to him as the master of the transportational arts) announced that the train would not be stopping at one of the normally scheduled stops due to construction or some BS he probably made up. Immediately, fatty's reflection starts freaking out. I look over, and fatty is freaking out as well. I'm sighin hardcore cause she opens her mouth and her voice sounds like speaker distortion (Shoulda gotten the warranty on your voicebox bitch!). She's throwing a fit because she supposedly needs to get off at the stop the trains not stopping at (Stippedy-doo-wop-stop-pop-pop). She's like "What am I going to do imo!" I resist the urge to say "What, what, in your butt." and recommend that she pull the emergency brake on the train right when it passes by that stop and kick out the emergency window and climb the fuck out. She seriously considers it for a moment and then decides (that she's too fat to fit outside the emergency window and...) that she will get off one stop prior to her original destination. I'm fistpumpin' all over the place because that means less time spent near fatty. Crucial victory afaik, thoughts on flop play?

Friday, June 13, 2008

Guess who's back?

You do not know how lucky you are. I was so close (read: not very close) to quitting poker altogether. I had serious (completely serious) plans of becoming a chef so I could be exactly like that Ralph Pagano guy (except for the being from New York part. Fuck New York. I hate New York.). That guy is a fucking badass. Anyways, to avoid going off on a tangent*, I'm going to focus your attention on me. I'm awesome. I play poker, too, as you will see in future posts. As for now, just remember this: the man who thinks he can, and the man who thinks he can't are both right. Which one are you, son? Which one are you? (That's from a Nike commercial btw.)

If you are new to reading my blog posts (or if you have the Down's), I will be ranting about a lot of shit. I will also use naughty language. If you have a 13 year old daughter, do not let her read this blog (18 year old daughter = ship the phone number plz imo). I will rant about things that seem irrelevant. I will use vernacular unbeknownst to 98% of English speakers. I will seem ridiculous and insane at times. You will see flashes of my personal life, of my poker "career,"and of titties. (QFTitties.)

Prepare yourselves, suckas.

Vanq out for now.

*tangent = sin/cos