Saturday, December 27, 2008

See, they can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out.

I know. You can't believe it. Another update? How is this possible, Vanq, you sexy beast?

Yeah, I can read minds, too, reader. (Even through computer screens.) It seems impossible that I'd actually write another update amidst all the traveling/packing/beating off/more traveling that I've been doing, yet here it is. How do I do it?

Simple: outsourcing.

I've outsourced my blog-writing to teenagers in China, who are being paid 15 FPPs/hr to write all of this material for me. You know how people say, "If you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room with typewriters, they'd eventually produce the script for No Country for Old Men"? Well, that's exactly what my Chineenagers (See what I did?) are doing right now. (Chang, quit fuckin' around and write! I know you're texting your girlfriend, and you know I told you not to do that during work hours.) Ah, who am I kidding? Chang doesn't have a girlfriend. He's not even real. I made him up.

Now that the blog is rollin', it's time to get that other thing on course too. You know, life? On a side note (up your ass), it's really tilting when I hear some moronic 16-year old girl with dyed hair talking with her dumbass friend about how "[her] life is so complicated right now." Come on, bitch. You and I know both know that you aren't really a human being, but rather a figment of my imagination. Start acting like it.

Fuckin' skanks.

Anyways, I switched up some courses I'll be taking starting in January between unpacking and repacking suitcases. I decided to veer away from some courses required for my business degree and look for some pseudoscientific/liberal arts courses to wave my dick at. I ran into philosophy and Russian literature. I'll give those a shot and then figure if I want to stay in them for the semester or just fuck off in my ass until summer hits.

I've been scourging for advice as to what to do this summer, (hint, hint, reader) as I think I'm gonna stay away from working a full-time job/internship and hopefully get poker going to a reasonable degree, so I can have more free time to do baller shit. I was considering either saving up to go traveling in Europe for a while (Germany, I want to put my phallus in your vagine.), or saving for a car and maybe doing the live circuit thing for a bit. (I'm just so much better at live poker than online, it's not even fair.) Germany sounds really promising, as do the Scandinavian countries and Holland. Anyone with traveling experience, gimme a shout. I'm interested in hearing what you've got to say about the whole thing.

It looks like a long month of January coming up poker-wise, as I've played almost no hands in December. (Gotta get 188 more VPPs to get to SilverStar!) Whatever, though, poker is easy. I hear the final boss (???) can be a bitch, though. I'm gonna try to get into making some videos as well, so if you wanna get at me, tell your label to contact me. I ask $400 for a feature. Wanna battle? I'll beat ya. I'm a beast. I'm a creature.

I've got a bottle of Ketel One to enjoy, and I think I'm going to get real drunk tonight, so I can have a sicko hangover on the bus ride to Boston tomorrow. I'm also going to make some magic Gatorade for the bus ride, because it's usually intolerable. Fucking Greyhound. No wonder people kill each other while on their buses. Oops, too soon.

Anyways, I'll kill all of you later.

Get money, get paid.


The next update is coming fuck-knows-when, so... You know, keep it close.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I can pass words with the ability to hurt you: Patience is a virtue and knowledge is a commercial.

I was wading through every single blog whose link I came across and came to a conclusion (and came to a porno of two girls fucking a guy dressed as Tarzan):

Everyone is retarded.

Introduce a little creativity to your blogs, for heaven's sake. It's the same thing over and over again with you all. Let me give you a sample of a blog post that I ran into just recently. (It actually singed my pubes, it was so lame.)

-Hey, sorry for not updating! I was just so busy caught up in all the Thanksgiving madness. Can you believe that I ate three pounds of turkey? That's almost more than my cousin Dennis. He eats a lot. I like stuffing. Dogs are also cute. I also played two hours of poker with Sally and Tasha, my twin cousins who are joined at the face. They were very bad at poker! I ran really bad though (KK lost to QT!). I was over $33.98 under EV. Also, I don't like that there's no rakeback in live poker. I like money. I also like when I have money. There are some things I don't like though, like splinters. They hurt. I don't like pain at all because it hurts, too. Also I don't like coachroaches in McDonalds. Anyways, I gotta run to watch my TIVOed episode of Thunderland Hills before bedtime. If you haven't seen it, it's a great show about neoskaters in the suburbs, and their struggle. I can really relate to it. I hope you all have a great week and win with AA ten times for stacks! I can't wait until the next time I update this awful excuse for a blog! Bye everyone :) :) :)!!!


For fuck's sake. I know, I know, blogs are more for the writer than the reader, blah blah, look both ways before you cross the road, blah blah, don't eat dirt, blah blah, but seriously? This is what you're making a blog for? Be creative for once, and you'll gain a completely new perspective on writing, and how interesting it becomes when people can actually differentiate your blog from everyone else's. Anyways, I write all of my stuff to give worthless advice and make people laugh (Or at least pretend to laugh. You know who you fake individuals are.). That's why my anecdotes never make sense, and I never actually include any accurate information about my poker playing: it's to try to be original. I don't think it's really working, though.

Anyways, let me update you spiteful bastards on my own shit:

I'm staying in Ontario now, playing some hockey, drinking some beer, and freezing my big black dick off. It should never be this cold anywhere. (Can't wait for global warming to kick in.) I have played almost no poker, partially because poker is rigged, and partially because I don't have my monitor and have friends to hang out with most of the time. (I know you don't give a fuck about any of this, but I gotta type something to make my posts look longer.) Also, the other day I took a shit, then wiped, then looked into the toilet and it was green. You know the rule, "If it's green, get it seen?" Yeah, going to hit the doctor's once I get back to Montreal. (Thanks for the free healthcare, Canada.)

Yeah, this post fucking sucks, but I really can't think of too much funny shit on an empty stomach and want to support the illusion that I'm actually hardxcore committed to this blog. (Spellcheck didn't underline hardxcore as a misspelled word, what the fuck?) Hopefully in my next update, I'll have something to say about girls who smell in the vaginal region or how it's ridiculous that some people stand up to wipe after they defecate.



Thug life,

Vanq (The God)



Oh, PS: I just realized I didn't have spellcheck on. For a second there I thought hardxcore must be a real word or something.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Other important quantum aspects are related to correlations of photon statistics between different beams.

So I get off stage right and drop the mic
Walk up to the hot chicks and I'm all like
"Sup ladies, my name's Slim Shady.
I'm the lead singer in D12 baby"
They're all like "Oh my God, it's him."
"Becky, oh my fucking God it's Eminem!"
"I swear to fucking God, dude, you fucking rock"
"Please, Marshall, please let me suck your cock!"


The above excerpt from A Tale of Two Cities (Charles Dickens - 1859) accurately describes what my life has been like since my last update. I know I've made you wait a long time for this update, reader, and I bet you were even wondering if I had given up on this blog altogether. WELL, FUCK YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL, FAITHLESS SON OF A... (Vanq, we talked about this. You have to control your tilt or you know what will happen.) Oh, right. :( Thanks, conscience. (Too soon?) You kinda ruined my day. Let me get back to the reader, now? (Sure thing, buddy.)

And so I'm back, from outer space. Since I've been gone I've played a lot of poker, completed a lot of schoolwork, had a lot of ridiculous drinking experiences, and got a girl pregnant. When she told me, I immediately ran home and played 10k hands of 2/4 and lost my roll. Then I lived in busto-ville for a while, and I'm now back playing .25/.50 like a homeless person (I'm serious, I was watching these homeless people outside the Metro station playing 50nl 6max, but the train came before the waiting list cleared.). So, now, I'm playing busto stakes full ring and heads-up, but the truth is: I couldn't be happier. Oh wait, yes I could. This fucking blows. I guess I'll have to man up and grind it out like everyone else seems to be doing.

Now that I've updated you on my poker playing, I want to bring up an issue that has been bothering me for some time. Truthishly, (if you get that reference, I will send you $1 on Stars) I have no idea what I want to pursue when I'm done with school, and that shit bugs incessantly. All my friends seem to have a clear vision of exactly what they enjoy doing, but I honestly have no idea what I like. (You know, besides poker, writing, and unprotected sex.) Let me bless you with some examples:

(The names of people have been changed to protect the innocent):

Darren: So, you pick a major yet, VanqTheGod?
VanqTheGod: No, you bastard, we just talked about this yesterday. You told me you were doing a PoliSci major with a minor in French.
Darren: Oh, that's right. Because I know what I want to do in school and you don't, I am much smarter than you and better than you at life altogether. I hope you die in a snake pit, you fucking prick.
VanqTheGod: :(



VanqTheGod: Hi Josephine, how are you doing on this crisp winter afternoon?
Josephine: Oh, just wonderful, VanqTheGod. I was just thinking about how I am so happy about the fact that I'm 100% sure that I want to be an anthropology major with a minor in pseudolinguisticmasoschism. I can't wait to update my Facebook status with this important information.
VanqTheGod: Well good for you. I hope you enjoy your life as an expert in two irrelevant fields. In fact, I'm pretty sure your minor isn't even real.
Josephine: It is too, I read all about it in the 600 page university handbook that everyone got at the Mensa meeting in 1997.
VanqTheGod: *facepalm* Okay, so can I get some head?
Josephine: No!
VanqTheGod: Why?



Now, reader, you too can see my frustration. I'll be accepting all advice on this pertinent issue, you know how to holla at me! (Sorry, today is "Pretend to be Black Day" in Canada.) I will try to update before Friday, when I leave for Ontario for a week. If I don't, I'm pretty sure you're pretty used to waiting forever for my updates anyway, am I right?

I'm going to get back to reading my book now (It's a self-improvement book about how to get in touch with your spiritual side. It involves a lot of masturbation.).


LOVE & HOPE TO ALL


Vanquish